deciding to #

i’m faced with newer feelings
strange understandings of
now apparent cycles reflecting in an insects eye.

this is the clock, brighter some days than others.
every safe step is slow, some slow steps are safe
an agonizing race, blessed with a sight,
checkered flag-skirting horizons,
a deep and devastating mirage,
you wonder to yourself.

is there a word for needing what you fear?
telling what it is when the fear is the greatest.
and no not fear fear, horrors and ghouls
but fear, real fear
endless descents, helpless and watching
patience will end it. you always just have to wait.
just wait. just sleep.
you have the control. but control is death, and you fear death more than anything
more than anything.